I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
