She's JV to your varsity
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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