i just wanna soil my oats bro
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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