Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Randomize
