Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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