I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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