Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
