she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
