I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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