I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
