I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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