Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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