They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
