I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
