I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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