I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
