sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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