I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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