he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
That accounts for only three of the penises
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
