i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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