dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
