The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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