I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
