Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
