i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
