I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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