it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
