talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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