if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
