You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
