this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just found puke in my bra..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
