just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Randomize
