Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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