Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize