I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
