We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
