..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize
