Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
