My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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