im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
