I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
