The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
