before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
