Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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