Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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