I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
