Quick, to the slutcave!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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