good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
