11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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