everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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