I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
