The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Two words: blizzard sex
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
