Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
