Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize