I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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