I cockslap morals
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
